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and then there's love that you can't forget about.

GAWD GAWD GAWD.

im in love with him and i dont know what to do.

i need him. and whatever. you can say "well that's sorta pathetic"

 but i dont care.

He fucked

 up...and he knows that. and i want him back...im just scared. really scared. but like somehow i know he wont ever do this again...but theres still ...like HE DID IT ONCE! and he totally ruined me en him by saying its too long a wait. im all she has..and now he's saying he fucked up. that he couldnt do it with her. that he thought she was what he wanted. that hurts. he runied us for just a hunch.

cherrish says he just needed to do that so he knows what he wants.

but am i what he really wants? or is he just saying that? he says its what he wants...he just wants me too be sure he's what i want. do i really want him?. i think so. i really do.

ugh. its like he's not even going to fight for me. not at all. i mean if you really loved someone wouldnt you fight for him or her? he's making me feel like its just a fucking game.

but now he's really mad at me. i told him i was doing something and he says its disgusting. he told me he was really sorry he did this to me but please dont get into that stuff. i told him it was too late.

NO NO NO

NO NO NO.

i miss him like crazy i need him. i want him and only him and he thinks i need to think about it. do i? do i? i've made up my mind. and i love him and cant he see that he's put me through so much and i've never left his side?

ISNT THAT

ENOUGH

FOR HIM?

Love that warps the mind a little.

its friday. whoohoo.

took an american gov't test today..pretty sure i BOMBED it. haha

guess what guys?...im gong to get through this. i really am. im trying not to think about him and her but..its hard. i'll get through though.

and he thinks reeses will make everything good. We can't lie about this, man. It's not the same. and i cant forgive yet. not yet. i would love to be ur friend but as for forgiving and pretending eveythings A okay...sorry. cant do that. and he need to stop acting like its my fault. cuz its not. im not blaming myself anymore. fuck that. ur the one who went for some jap chick. i mean what kinda girl goes for guy she knows has a girlfriend? not a nice one..or maybe she doesnt understand that stuff...but im sure shes nice and i will respect her.

today after he gave me the candy...i guess he was mad. i dunno. i mean i dont wanna eat his candy..it hurts too much. it was a big thing ..reeses when we were together...i dont wanna be reminded. i love him. that wont change...but i'm really ...hurt.

I want him to understand that. and im sorry if ur hurting too, love. but you have her ..and im left with nothing. but a broken heart. i love you.

So yeah...no more boys. or like..youk now what i mean. I'm not gonna into another relationship..it'll take awhile. not only cuz i love him so much but because i want it that way. im not even gonna look for a guy to be romantically involved with. haha.

MUSIC is helping me soooooo much. and the people around me too...i dont really talk about it to anyone cuz i feel like its my problem and they dont wanna hear it...but they help none the less...just talking to someone makes feel better.

I had two interesting conversations today. one with this guy justin..we talked about books. it was so coool. the books were reading interest us so much we like jumping trying to tell each other about it. i love conversations like that. intellectual ones. they make me feel good. haha. i didnt even know justin was like that. cool. and i love it when you can talk  to a guy and they dont think ur hitting on them. haha.

the other was with halanah..she was like..at lunch? me en my frens were like i wish i was like melissa...she can pull off wearing a white skirt on a super muddy day and sit on a wet bench without getting dirty. i was like HAH yeah im like the immacualte fucking conception. haha and im a virgin to yah?

super fun weekend up ahead. gotta go shower.

i love you, andrew.

The weight of my decisions were impossible to hold

okay so its really the end for joe en liss.

yup. no more. just friends. i lost to some japanese girl. im sure shes very nice. He said he stopped waiting a long time ago...i told him that i knew that. i just refused to see it. he said he was sorry. and i said. i gave you my heart and you took it and shattered it and then you say ur sorry? man oh man. so yeah. he's still my best friend and this shiori girl? i will give my up most respect.

so i let him go. into the arms of another girl. i love him that much.

and im not okay. so dont ask.

 but i will be.

 just give me

some  time

but like no matter what? i love him. and nothing can change that.i just wont get in the way of whats to become of him and her. i'll be like a stranger in a room full people i know. haha. i cried. and he wiped the tears away. he told me he loves me. but its too long a wait. who can blame him?

  mucho    thanks to thee utoporinas we went out after school...

i love the time i spend with them.

 i told him that he was all i had. he said..no...you have a ton of people she only has me..and her roommate. so maybe i was being selfish when i said that. cause to tell you the truth? i do have alot of people i can turn too. today totally proved it.

thankyou to don too. i love ya man. we love you.

THE TAINTED

 SUBLIMITY OF A

 UTOPORINA.

 you aint neva gon' find three girls like us. yea..niggguuuuuhhh. haha.

i hope he'll still teach me to surf. and share his music with me. haha. oh my gawsh this is gonna be hard.

change of subject

soooooooooooooo anyways. no more skipping classes. like seriously. im gonna N.C. i cant do that....my mom really wants me to go to college. like my goodness...i think she wants it more than me. and thats kool it motivates me. she talks about it every single day...she really wants me to have a good future. and im going to give her that. no more of this i dont care crap. Today made me realize i gotta get past that. and grow the fuck up.

The project for my english 12 class is due next week friday..me en cherrish partnered up to make a mural. i have a few ideas up my sleeve and im excited to start on it..no classes on monday so i need to tell my mom we're gonna work on it monday. it'll be fun. maybe drez can come too..if shes not busy.. i hope not.

AHHHHHHHHHHH i need to call P.C outlet to ask how much it will cost to repair the camera...my dad's gonna kill me. Last night he called and he was like

" i hope ur taking care of that camera...it was really expensive"

and i was like" yup...dont worry"

BIG GIGANTIC LIE LIE LIE.

i have no clue what to do. it was 500 bucks when he bought it,...that was 4 years ago..he got it in tokyo when it was like the newest model. and now ..i have ruined it. geez im so irresponsible it pisses me off. i dunno. i like can have something important in my hand and i'll be like im not gonna drop it im not gonna drop it..and then..BOOOOOOM. i drop it! and i fall all the time..im so damned clumsy. i hate it. i wanna grow out of it already. its irritating.

i have to make a note to my self to remember to bring my reed to school i have band tomorrow. and YAY i get to go the game on saturday...its against southern high. not to big of a challenge but still..

and we are in the process of planning a BBQ at the beach. we all gotta chip in though..says my mom. we can do it..but we gotta be the ones to BBQ and make some of the stuff...i hope it happens. then charles can come!! i miss that loserface.

i need to listen to music..its my anti-drug.

 Cliche, yea?

so what... its true.♥

The Ballad of Johnny Butt

Math tests are all the freaking same. I hate all of them they all suck ass.I probably failed the one I took today...or maybe not..i was making it up so everyone already took it..and I got some help...even thee teacher was helping. she's cool. haha and it's applied math...like come on melissa. ur so dumb.

Andrew has become accustumed to telling me how hot he thinks he is. whatever, my fat drunk.

i've fallen away away...away from your heart...haha. that songs stuck in my head.

anyway...i got that stupid clarinet solo today..everyone has to do one..not just me. i totally effin suck at the damned thing. but i guess..i havent tried it out..its supposed to be easy says josh. its called scene and air. yup.

Dresiren was crying to us again. I'm really getting tired of her crying..JAY IS AN ASSHOLE. he really needs to leave her the hell alone. He says such absurd things and it really gets to her. the guy's insanely pathetic. i'm pretty pathetic myself sometimes..but not insanely...when i'm pathetic im poetically pathetic.

oh my gawd that was soooo emo.

Whoa..Why'd my music stop? okay hold on a sec...

hahahaha im dumb..i paused it.

at lunchtime we were talking about when we first met and how the very first thing he ever said to me was..."hey whats that chick's name?"

and i was like"jadine" then he was like "oh"

I didnt like him then..not yet.. then jadine and I were having a conversation about music. and he totally BUTTED in ..we were like who the hell is this guy?..

after that we started talking in class...and i fell in love with his personality. before all this i thought he was a big fat jerk and he thought i was a big fat bitch. now i just think hes a big fat drunk and he thinks im a big fat cow. and we like...love each other. we just argue alot. hahaha its pretty funny. but i hate arguing with him it sucks. its like we wont talk to each other for a couple of days..cause we're both stubborn as hell. and neither of us like to swallow our pride. but we always end up saying sorry or something. its weird.

im craving for ice cream.

my new addiction is amber pacific. watch me play them out.

you bring me out show me light i'm sorry if i hide I'm to afraid to look in side you carry through and make me smile is it were you and me tonight i would take the stars and save the brightest one for you.♥

im bored. im supposed to be cleaning the fridge but im too bored. so yeah i stole this from some guy..i hope he doesnt press charges.

1. Me: Melissa

2. Nicknames: lissa, liss, fat cow, curleequz. haha slips.

3. Title: of a the book im reading? Love warps the mind a little. its pretty good.

4. City: like village?

5. State of mind: insane. or bored.

6. Birthdate: July first...

7. Astrological Sign: that one killer disease

8. School: Simon sanchez high. biotch.

9. Hobbies: reading. music. going to church. babysitting

10. Sports That You Play/Enjoy: SOCCER!!! and tennis and football..i dont play..football i just watch.

11. Height: 5'3

12. Weight: hahaha 125

13. Shoe Size: seven and a half...

14. Favorite Colors: red..and green..but not together..thats like..christmas.

15. Favorite Flowers: LILLIES. i fucking love lillies

16. Favorite Book: man oh man..i really liked to kill a mockingbird.

17. Favorite School Subject: english...or..lunch?..no band.

18. Best Friends of the Same Sex: thee utoporinas

19. Best Friends of the Opposite Sex: will teddy eric chris....um..joey<33

20. Boyfriend/Girlfriend's Name: fuck you....andrew. i love a guy i call andrew.

21. Crush:i hate soda

22. Things You Like in the Opposite Sex: this is dumb. eyes.

23. When was Your First Kiss: oh my gawd.

24. ??...i dont get it.

25. The Most Romantic Thing Anyone Has Done For You Was: hahaha. umm.bought me oreos.

26. Which is More Important, Personality or Looks?: Personality...really. im serious.

27. Things You Like in a Best Friend:i love those idiots...

28. Person Who Knows You Best is: i dunno.

29. Favorite Food: ice cream.

30. Favorite Drink: GREEN TEA WITH HONEY, baby

31. Favorite Place to Eat Out: haha. subway.

32. Food You Hate: Seafood..i fucking hate seafood.

33. Weirdest Food That You Like: why would i think what i eats weird..thats weird

34. Weirdest/Dumbest Thing You Ever Did: haha..i dunno..throw rocks..at like. haha fuck if i know.

35. Favorite Movies: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and anything disney.

36. Favorite Actors: like who? george clooney? idunno

37. Favorite Actresses: gawsh dammit...i really dont know.

38. Favorite Quote: umm..unabled are the loved to die for love is immortality. emily dickenson

39. ??? whats up with these question marks?

40. Favorite Songs: i have millions.

41. Favorite Music Groups: im one of those ppl thatare like ohhh they're my favorite..im a favorite whore..i have lots of favorites.

42.Favorite Music Singers: shit...

43. Favorite Holiday: Christmas

44. Favorite Season: Spring

45. What do you Want to be When you Grow up: umm..a social worker..for kids. i love kids

46. Biggest Fear: heartbreak.

47. Biggest Regret: not too sure yet.

48. Thing you Hate about Your Self: wow. i have to hate myself? how every fight /argument i get into...i always end up saying sorry. i hate that. its always my fault.</3

49. Favorite Words: yeah. i never say yes and it drives people nuts.

50. Least Favorite Words: you're not going anywhere this weekend melissa!!

51. One place you must visit before you die: brazil i heart brazil

52. Do you plan on attending college?(If yes, where): yeah, sure.

53. Favorite sentimental items: everything he gives me.

54. Do you write in a journal or diary?: umm...not really..it depends

55. Do you keep an organizer?: haha. me?

56. Do you believe in love at first sight?: nope

57. Do you believe that every person has one soul mate: yeah, sure...

58. Do you believe in god?: yup.

59. Do you believe in everyone (even the beyond helpless)?: not really..i guess its hard sometimes.

60. Do you believe in having a good education?: yes

61. Do you believe in horoscopes?:nope

62. Do you believe in yourself?: sometimes..

63. Do you shower daily?: no..i stink.

64. Favorite day of the week: Friday

65. Favorite ice-cream: i love all kinds of ice cream. 'cept UBE. i ahte that stuff..i mean who eats purple ice cream?